


I Don't Know If I'm Worth All This, Steve

by AngelsSelene



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Deal With It, Falcon is the new Captain, M/M, Mostly everyone is still alive, Poor Bucky, Tony Stark is still alive, Will Steve come back?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 19:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19910788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsSelene/pseuds/AngelsSelene
Summary: Bucky's thoughts as he loses his loved one to time. His friendship (or maybe more, we'll never know now) is the first thing we see of their characters. It is in a way the foundation of who Steve and Bucky are. So when the Russos decided that Steve was going to leave his friend AND that they weren't even going to have a proper conversation... it broke my heart and led to this.Basically Bucky's thoughts as Steve confirms that Buck isn't worth it (Endgame ending).





	I Don't Know If I'm Worth All This, Steve

**Author's Note:**

> I was so happy that i managed to write my first angst fic... until i read it through while re-editing (after my friend edited it for me) and thought screw everything. The world has enough angst to go around. So, if you want me to write a happy ending? LET ME KNOW~ I mean if no one wants a happy Stucky ending then i'm not going to write more for this.
> 
> I was just writing as my thought were flowing and when I read it again it did seem a little contradictory and confusing. I got my friend to help me beta to try and make it easier to understand. I hope I got my point across without screwing it up. 
> 
> BETA: soojinnie (on ao3)
> 
> Also I love Steve with my entire heart and half my soul but Endgame still haunts me.

Bucky stared as Steve walked back up the steps. He shivered in the slightly chilled air. Steve’s steps were light and eager like he could not wait to start his new life after all the wars that he’s been through. Steve picked Mjolnir up. Turning around to smile at Bucky, he threw it up into the air and caught it deftly. Steve’s wide smile flung Bucky straight into the 1930s. 

Suddenly he was a kid, barely 10, promising “til the end of the line.” This was the Steve he remembered as a child; free from all the burdens that Bucky knew he carried as he grew older. This was the Steve that he fell in love with. This was the Steve that he promised he would not live without. He glanced around at Sam and Bruce. Why the smiles on their faces? Did they not realise that Steve is going to leave? He was going to go back and live a life with the love he had lost. In a flash of light, Steve disappeared. Bucky’s heart dropped and a sharp pain started in his stomach. 

He had lost him again. Not to time, not to death but to Steve himself. Bucky had lost Steve to the most basic instinct as a man. Love? No… selfishness. Some would say that Steve finally did something for himself after fighting for the world again and again but all Bucky saw and remembered was… a little kid who never knew when to quit because he always had something to prove. 

In those few seconds before Steve was supposed to return, Bucky was thrown back into the past. Back into Azzano when Steve barged into an enemy base all by himself because he could not bare to lose his best buddy. Steve was the man who pulled him off the bed that he was strapped into. Steve was the one who had half carried him out of the base. Steve was the one who made him cross that metal beam. He remembered that even then… even a little out of his mind from the torture and even confused as hell about Steve’s new body… he had refused to leave. 

_“Not without you!”_ His scream echoed in his head. 

Bucky dropped his head as another memory flashed through his mind. He was sitting in the bar with Steve after flirting with _Peggy Carter._ He had to keep up his suave reputation after all. As annoyed as he was at Steve for putting himself in danger, he was thankful that someone cared enough to come save him; save his men.

_“Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death, Buck?”_

Steve had tried to make it sound like a joke. But to Bucky, it was a promise. 

_No, ya punk… It’s always you; the little kid from Brooklyn who never knew when to run away. That’s who I'll be following for the rest of my doomed life._  
  
And he did. He followed Steve into countless battles. He watched him put a photo of the brilliant Peggy Carter in his compass. He watched the boy he loved… fall in love. Still, Bucky followed him. He followed him onto that godforsaken train that one fateful day and the rest was history.

Bucky sighed and turned away from the spot that Steve disappeared from. He has heard how Steve put the plane into the Arctic. He has heard many different sides to the story: 

_Steve “The Brave” who sacrificed his life in order to save thousands._

_Steve “The Boy in Love” who risked death to keep Peggy Carter alive._

_Steve “The Heartbroken” who couldn’t bear the thought of living a life without his best friend._

Bucky always hated that word- _bestfriend_. The media always did paint Steve as a hero. What else could he be? The boy who applied to the army again and again. The boy who always spoke of men risking his lives in the war. Part of him wondered if Steve just had a deathwish but whatever it was he knew that as long as he was beside his friend, he would protect him. 

Bucky took a step forward, his hands buried deeper into his pockets as though he could chase the chill away. His breathing shallow as an overwhelming wave of loneliness washed over him. He remembered seventy years of brainwashing being broken by one simple sentence from Steve. His- no, _their_ promise. He remembered the Winter Soldier shooting Steve, fighting him and nearly killing him. He remembered the tears pooling in his eyes just as they are at this very moment. He saved him. The Winter Soldier saved Captain America and then began the game of hide and seek. 

He had managed to stay away until the whole Civil War mess brought Steve to his doorstep. He knew the dynamics between Steve and Tony. He never understood how something like the “Civil War” even happened in the first place. He knew Tony and Steve were hardheaded assholes but they both had one mutual belief - the world before themselves. 

Even now he had no idea what happened that Tony had been so willing to bow down and give control over to someone else. How did Tony not understand that giving up control essentially lets himself be wielded as a weapon? 

And he genuinely had no clue why Steve “Mr Master Strategist” Rogers thought that complete control over their actions was the best way to go. How did Steve not realise the consequences that would arise? 

How did the both of them, co-leaders of The Avengers, end up fighting each other so publicly without any concern for other threats that threatened the world? Because at its very core, the Civil War was just a petty argument of who gets to be in-charge. 

Bucky shook his head. The time for solving the Civil War had come and gone with no one being able to knock both idiots over the head and telling them to use their words. He remembered telling Steve that he was not worth it. The Winter Soldier, _Bucky_ , was not worth it.

_“I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.”_

However, as usual, anyone who threatens Steve’s loved ones deserve nothing but pain. In the end, Steve gave up the one thing that had kept him floating in the new century in order to run away with Bucky.

Now two more wars later, Steve finally realised that he really was not worth it.

Bucky walked back into the house where the Starks and the rest of the crew were waiting. It just took 70 years in ice and a decade in the new age for Steve Rogers to realise that he was fighting for the wrong person. 

“I really should have known,” Bucky whispered to himself as he took a deep breath, trying to centre himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Again: Let me know if you want a happy ending for Stucky. (Continuation only upon request)
> 
> Comment - Kudos - Tweet me @Lady__Hel etc etc
> 
> xoxo


End file.
